‘Jokes’ Articles
Written by Arun Verma (online) on 13 August 2010
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day..
The moral of the story is …
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a fantastic day!
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 03 August 2010
A father passing by his Son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed to “Dad” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing’s, tattoo’s, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marij uana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AI DS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Michael
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home!!
Tags: Jokes
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 02 February 2010
Fine
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument in which she
feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. Never use “fine” to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
Five Minutes
This is really half an hour. It is equivalent to the same “five minutes”
that a football game is going to last before you take out the garbage.
Nothing
This really means, “You’d never understand.” “Nothing” is usually
accompanied by a woman’s desire to turn you inside out, upside-down, and
backwards. “Nothing” is often said prior to an argument that will last
“Five Minutes” and will end with the word “Fine.”
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is not permission. This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.
Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows)
This means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You
will get the “Go Ahead” with raised eyebrows in just a few minutes,
followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five
Minutes” when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is still a verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and is wondering why she is wasting her time arguing over “Nothing.”
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. This means a woman is content
and your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay,” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is
often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with the raised
Eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; simply say, “You’re welcome.”
Thanks a lot
This is much different than “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks a lot”
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you
“Nothing.”
Tags: fun
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 02 October 2009
Steven Spielberg sank the Titanic
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies,he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,”You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,
it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
“You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies,
“Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
Tags: Titanic
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 07 July 2009
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Tags: fun, Jokes
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 11 April 2009
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”
“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”
Tags: Airways, Jokes, Travel
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 11 April 2009
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:”Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean”.
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain’s request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
“Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… -Thank You for Flying Lufthansa-”.
Tags: Airways, Jokes, Travel
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 11 April 2009
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke “Thank You for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”
Tags: Airways, Jokes, Travel
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Written by Arun Verma (online) on 25 March 2009
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Chris was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Chris put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Chris told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Chris wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Tags: entertainment, fun, Jokes
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